About 4 years ago I had a very stressful event in my life. As a result I was obligated to seek therapy, to see a shrink (actually an LCSW). Her name was Billi, and she helped me more than I could have imagined possible.
Now, I'm just a guy, mostly normal, unimpressive, and until recently well adjusted. Lately my tools to manage stress have not worked as well as I had hoped they would. The tools I have were not built for this kind of stress. That's ok though, I'm going to see Billi soon. If, like me you've found yourself facing ever darker thoughts, your temper being so short that you snap at your loved ones over honestly trivial things (be *honest* with yourself, it's not as easy as you may think), then please read on. At least hear me out, I promise not to preach.
For me the moment of revelation came when I snapped out of a trance like state and realized that for the first time in my life, my question of self worth had led me to the thought of suicide.
That's not the only dark thoughts I've had. The night after Chase Bank's collection agent called and berated me I didn't sleep. It's not like I wasn't tired, but I couldn't sleep. My night was spent dwelling on retribution against the imaginary person at Chase responsible for my account and life being so screwed up. Those thoughts ranged from simply shooting them to ever more fanciful ideas up to and including inviting them all on a nice cruise and sinking the boat (with no lifeboats on board of course).
Now like I've said earlier, I'm simply waiting for my appointment with Billi, to get some new tools for the toolbox. If your thoughts have been along those same lines it will slowly eat you up inside. For me they are worst when I'm alone. In the shower, driving to work, in the restroom... any time I'm by myself.
If you share my thoughts I would ask you to seek assistance in how to handle these thoughts.
It's not wrong to be angry, but letting it eat you alive like that is.
If you have a health care plan from your employer, go to your doctor. Make an urgent care appointment, or if the feelings are severely intense, like you're drowning, just walk on into the ER.
Once at your doctors office tell your doctor the real reason you're there. It's ok if you made something up to get an appointment (they'll give you one if you tell them the truth, but if you don't want to tell the advice nurse/appointment person then make something up).
Your doctor will talk to you a bit, just to make sure you'll be ok till they can get you an appointment with a specialist (either a physiatrist, or a Licensed Clinical Social Worker).
If you want to keep it secret they will do so. The psychiatric service departments don't identify themselves when they call your house, they say something else, like they're calling from your doctors office, or records. They usually even keep a separate file (meds are the exception here. Your pharmacist *needs* to know if you are on special meds to keep you safe).
They will write you generic doctors notes for your boss if you need them, these notes don't say a thing about seeing a shrink (they don't like being called that by the way :-)
After you get to know them, when they need to call you, they will say something like "this is Billi from (health care company), can I talk to Jack?" and that's it. These guys can keep a secret better then a priest, unless you have or plan to commit an illegal act. They are obligated to report if you are seriously going to kill someone. They are not obligated to report if you say you want to kill someone, especially if you came to see them because of that want.
What I'm trying to say is that there is nothing to fear. In fact if you are like me your fear wasn't of the office visit, it was that you are afraid that you're admitting something is wrong with you. The only thing wrong is that your toolbox is a little too light. You need to go shopping at the tool store, that's all. Trust me, I would go with you if I could. I've walked one friend all the way to the doctors office. I met their doctor, shook his hand. I sat in the office for the first few minutes until my friend was comfortable alone with this new person. If you know someone who you trust and has done this, ask them to come along if it makes you feel better. They will be asked to leave the office fairly quickly, but not before you're ready (even if you don't know it).
If you don't have health insurance, then give these folks a call: 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Please remember above all else, you are not alone. You have friends out there you didn't even know you had.